5 bad habits that make getting over a breakup harder

If you get teary-eyed just thinking about opening up, try using a line like, “Hey, I’m going through a breakup right now and don’t want to get into the details yet, but I’d love your support when I’m ready.” That baby step can be enough to open the door to outside help without feeling overwhelmed.

You fill every hour of your day with distractions

Compared to bed rotting with Ben & Jerry’s, throwing yourself into work or saying yes to every invite sounds like productive, healthy progress. After all, being busy is better than being broken…right?

“These coping mechanisms may feel good in the moment, but doing it too often will only distract you from the pain,” says Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma, California and author of Joy From Fear. In other words, “They don’t actually heal the pain”—which requires you to sit with your emotions and accept what happened. Otherwise, sooner or later, the heartbreak will catch up to you months, even years after the split, often when you least expect it.

What to do instead: It’s still a good idea to keep yourself busy—go out more, meet new people, dive into your favourite hobbies. And if Sunday nights tend to hit the hardest, strategically planning hangouts with friends that day is a smart move to fill the void.

But balance is key here, meaning you’ve got to also make room to sit with your feelings. “Build in something I call cry time,” Brown says. Basically, it’s your window to wallow about what you’ve lost and grieve the future you thought you’d have together. “Even just 15 minutes works,” she adds. “It’s enough to tell your brain, ‘Hey, it’s okay for me to feel certain things,’ but short enough where your emotions aren’t getting out of control to the extent that you can’t pull them back.”

You’re waiting for the “perfect” closure to move on

According to Dr. Manly, lots of people cling to the belief that one final satisfying conversation with their ex will make it easier to move on for good. Then, there would be no more pain, resentment or lingering “what ifs”—which explains why so many of us might drag out texts, say goodbye a million different ways, or hold off on dating again just in case they finally want to talk things through.