5 signs you’re in a codependent friendship, according to experts

So instead of offering support, you might find yourself trying to fix or control their mood just to soothe your own. That might lead you to spot them money because they’re anxious about their monthly bills (even though doing so puts you in a tough spot, too). Or losing sleep over their family drama. Basically, “there’s no space in the relationship for you to have and process your own, different feelings,” Martin says, which will only set you up for disappointment down the line.

3. Your other relationships are slipping

Even if you’re lucky enough to have one go-to, amazing bestie—the person who listens to your unhinged vent sessions and understands your oddly niche memes—it’s important (healthy, actually) to have other people in your social network, too. That could mean family and additional friends, of course, but also coworkers you actually like or even more casual acquaintances who see a different side of you.

With codependency, though, “people often start giving up other friendships, relationships and meaningful interests,” Martin says. “That could be a hobby they stopped because their friend doesn’t do it, or a different friend they stop hanging out with because their BFF doesn’t like or know them.”

No matter how soulmate-y your particular bond feels, relying on just one person for everything puts a lot of pressure on them—and cuts you off from other sources of support and joy, Martin points out. (Like…what happens when you need a pep talk but they’re mid-crisis themselves? Or they’re not the right person when it comes to parenting advice?)

4. You get possessive when they spend time with others

A little jealousy or sadness when your BFF is having fun with someone else isn’t automatically a red flag. In fact, FOMO is pretty common (and human), and odds are, you probably still want them to have a happy, full social life beyond your connection—even when part of you wishes you were included. But when those feelings tip into resentment—as if you’re entitled to 100% of their time and attention, or their connection with another pal somehow threatens yours—that could be a sign that you’re in a codependent friendship, Chu says.

In these cases, you might slip into insecure or controlling thought patterns that sound like, “They’re replacing me…I can feel it,” or, “HOW DARE THEY GO TO A PARTY WITHOUT ASKING ME TO BE THEIR PLUS-ONE!!!” It may even just come out as a passive-aggressive swipe-up on their Instagram story (“Guess I’m not that important to you anymore…”).