How to help a friend in a toxic relationship, according to therapists

You don’t have to know every detail of your friend’s relationship to sense that something’s…off. Maybe your bestie shrugs off her partner’s frequent texts like they’re no biggie (“He just worries when I don’t immediately respond!”) or always has some story about their latest “silly” fight. Or perhaps they just don’t seem like themselves lately—more defensive, less upbeat or uncharacteristically silent in the group chat. From the outside, it doesn’t look great—but does that mean you should do something?

For glaring red flags like physical violence and overt manipulation, the next steps often seem more clear-cut: Step in. Speak up. Get them help. But when you’re dealing with sketchy, jerkish or inconsiderate behaviours that your friend doesn’t deserve—but that don’t line up with classic signs of physical or emotional abuse—figuring out how (or if) you should get involved gets complicated. You might tell yourself it’s not your business or worry you’re overreacting. What if they’re fine behind closed doors? But also…what if they’re not?

“It’s a tricky situation,” says Marni Feuerman, LCSW, LMFT, a licensed therapist in Boca Raton, Florida and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships. “The last thing you want is for your friend to distance themselves because you’re being critical of their relationship. But then again, you might be seeing something they maybe don’t, especially if they’re caught up in the romance.”

As uncomfortable as these conversations can be, approaching them with care and compassion is key. Here’s how to help a friend in a toxic relationship—without turning it into a “your partner sucks!” roast session.

1. Ask for permission before offering advice

Even if you’re coming from a good place, a random “You deserve better than someone who’s using you,” may land more as an insulting judgment than a caring heads-up. Instead, “It’s best to ask permission first before you give feedback,” says Angela Sitka, LMFT, a psychotherapist based in Santa Rosa, California—ideally, when they’re already opening up about their relationship.

Try feeling out the vibe first with a line like, “I’m only saying this because I care about you, but I noticed a few things about your partner—would you be open to hearing me out?” This gives your pal a heads-up (or the opportunity to suggest a better time), so your “intervention” becomes more thoughtful, mutual and way less blindsiding.

2. Skip the dramatic insults and be specific about what you noticed

Sweeping generalisations about how your friend’s partner is “toxic” or “awful” aren’t exactly helpful. A more productive way to get your message across, both experts agree, is by pointing out something specific you witnessed (or that they mentioned) without adding your own commentary.