5 ways to know you’re with a ‘mama’s boy’

Call it a cautionary tale of modern dating: The “mama’s boy” is an archetype we are warned to avoid. But is that for good reason?

Of course, being close to a parent isn’t inherently a problem, says Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist and the author of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce. In fact, “a lot of guys text or talk to their parents every day. That alone isn’t a red flag.” The “mama’s boy,” culturally speaking, is distinct: not just a loving, doting son, but an emotionally stunted man whose bond with his mother seeps into every corner of his life, turning what should be an intimate partnership into a three-person affair.

Here are the biggest warning signs of a mama’s boy to look out for—and what to do if your partner is one.

1. He constantly compares you to his mom

You cook dinner, and he points out how she does it differently. You mention wanting to quit your job to pursue another dream—starting a business, writing a book—and he reminds you that his mom “doesn’t believe in taking risks without a solid plan.” At first, these throwaway references might seem relatively harmless, but as Sussman points out, they can subtly reveal who’s really at the centre of his world—and who you’ll inevitably be measured up against every single time.

2. He turns to her for comfort instead of you

Whether it’s a work-related setback, friend group drama or just a bad mental health day, he doesn’t vent to you about what’s on his mind: He goes straight to his mom. For the record, being able to communicate openly and vulnerably with your family is a good thing, says Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, couples therapist and founder of The Relationship Place in San Diego. But building real intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship involves learning to lean on each other during these tough times. “That’s how couples build trust, security and resilience,” Dr. McNeil says. Otherwise, you’re stuck in an odd dynamic where his mother is taking on the emotional duties that should belong to a partner, leaving you feeling like a third wheel instead of an equal.

3. He shares every private detail of your relationship with her

It’s one thing to ask your parents for advice. But it’s another when someone airs every personal detail—about the tiniest points of tension, money matters you prefer to keep confidential, even intimacy issues that should remain in the bedroom. “You want to be able to trust the person you’re dating,” Sussman points out. “And in order to do so, you’ve got to believe that what goes on between you two stays private”—meaning it’s hard to feel safe and secure when there’s no real sense of “just us” in the relationship.

4. He can’t make basic decisions without her input

You find the perfect apartment, but his mom doesn’t approve of the neighbourhood…which means you have to keep looking. Before a weekend getaway, your partner’s instinct is to get his mom’s take on the best flight deals, hotels and which bathing suit to pack. Basically, no decision (big or small) can be made without a call home.

According to Dr. McNeil, this hyper-reliance usually stems from blurred boundaries or a lack of independence, even in adulthood. However, it also undermines one of the most important parts of building a healthy relationship: learning to make these shared choices together as a team, just the two of you.

5. He can’t say no to her

Maybe you’ve asked (politely!) that his mom text before dropping by unannounced. Or that you’d appreciate it if she followed the parenting rules you’ve set for your kids. But instead of hearing you out, a mama’s boy will often hesitate—or worse, turn on you, Sussman says. He may make claims like you “hate his mom” for bringing up a valid critique, or refuse to stand up for you, even when it’s his mother who’s clearly in the wrong.