Do opposites attract? Maybe—but are they actually compatible?

According to some of the best rom-coms out there, the answer to the age-old “Do opposites attract?” debate is a resounding yes. Unlikely pairings—a bookish introvert falling for the popular, social butterfly; the bubbly optimist drawn to the mysteriously brooding realist—make for some of the most swoon-worthy stories. But the real question is, do these types of matches actually last?

There’s something undeniably exciting about being with a person who’s, well, nothing like you. “The novelty is a huge part of the ‘opposites attract’ appeal,” says Chris Gonzalez, PhD, LMFT, professor and founding director of Lipscomb University’s Marriage and Family Therapy masters program in Nashville. “It’s like, ‘There’s something in you I don’t see in myself, and that’s what makes this dynamic so unfamiliar yet electric.”

But will that early chemistry translate into a happily ever after? According to Dr. Gonzalez, not necessarily: “There’s a difference between attraction, that initial spark, and compatibility, which refers to whether the relationship is built to last.” Some opposites can successfully challenge and complement each other in a way that strengthens their bond, he explains, while other times, competing personalities can be impossible to overcome. Below, we asked experts what makes some opposites click—and why others clash.

So why do opposites attract?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer as to why we may gravitate toward our polar opposites. Again, the unknown can be a big draw. But there are a few reasons why ending up with someone quite different might work in your favour, too, according to Molly Burrets, PhD, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s Department of Marriage and Family Therapy.

For starters, you probably don’t want to be with a carbon copy of yourself, says Dr. Burrets. There’s not much room to grow if you’re both always on the same page and never disagreeing or challenging each other. Plus things can get boring when you’re too similar—without any contrast, it’s easy to feel stagnant. In some cases, too many commonalities can also breed more conflict, Dr. Gonzalez points out—like if both of you are too stubborn to apologise during fights or so conflict-avoidant that important issues never get addressed.