4 subtle signs of emotional unavailability to look out for

In these situations, emotional distance is likely at play, experts say. Whereas if someone’s simply not looking to date you, you’ll know it’s a lack of interest because there’s zero effort being put into the relationship, even with shallow stuff. Speaking of which…

2. They keep conversations surface-level

You’re probably not going to dive into your complex childhood trauma or deepest insecurities with just anyone. But with your partner? You should be comfortable sharing those parts of yourself (eventually).

With an emotionally closed-off partner, however, they may be reluctant to talk about their upbringing, for instance, past breakups, or relationship insecurities, instead fixating on lighter subjects. (Think: TV shows, sports and work—things that don’t require you to be so raw and exposed.)

3. They withdraw during your moments of vulnerability

How a person responds when you discuss deeper topics can tell you a lot about their emotional availability…or lack thereof. To be fair, “developing intimacy within relationships takes time,” Lurie points out. “It’s not uncommon to be uncomfortable at first.” But as you get to know each other better, you should ideally notice early healthy signs of engagement and support, like them actively listening. You may even get a response that signals empathy, like, “I really appreciate you sharing that with me. Actually, I know how you feel because….”

On the flip side, signs of emotional unavailability might look like a partner who changes the subject when things get too “serious.” According to Lurie, they may revert back to flirting and jokes to dodge those topics. Or, when you do gently nudge them to open up, they might even get defensive (“Why are you trying to make this about me? This is your issue, not mine”).

4. They’re reluctant to “define” the relationship—or acknowledge long-term potential

Their actions might resemble those of a committed partner, spending tons of time together, meeting your friends, doing all the things any couple would. But the moment the conversation shifts to “What are we?” (whether it’s hard-launching on social media or a casual mention of the future), they panic.

Even if these next steps don’t seem like a drastic transition to you, the sheer concept of rigid labels can feel like a pressure point to others—one that comes with more expectations, responsibility and a level of intimacy that can be intimidating for some. And, to be fair, both experts agree there are valid reasons one might hesitate: Maybe they need more time to process a messy breakup, or their personal life at the moment is too chaotic to take on anything serious.