A friend’s ex—when are they okay to pursue?

The question of “girl code” as it pertains to exes is a complicated one. Strict constructionists may argue that it’s never, ever okay to date your friend’s ex—see: the current micro-controversy swirling around Zoë Kravitz, who recently stepped out in Rome with her bestie Taylor Swift’s long-ago ex, Harry Styles—but it’s worth mentioning that a lot of those people are also straight. (I’m not trying to propagate the queers-all-date-each-other’s-exes stereotype, but…there’s some truth to it! Remember Reneé Rapp telling Gabby Windey that her entire lesbian friend group is made up of people she’s dated?) I genuinely believe that if you told any 50-year-old dyke about the Kravitz/Swift/Styles non-love triangle, she would simply laugh and introduce you to three of her emotional support ex-girlfriends she’s been sharing a Craftsman bungalow with since 1977.

Nevertheless, I definitely understand the knee-jerk assumption that anyone who dates a friend’s ex—even if, as in Swift and Styles’s case, the relationship lasted less than a full year and took place a full decade ago—is treading in dangerous waters. But as someone who’s navigated this issue in several different friend groups, I have to posit this: If your friendships are really more important to you than your romantic relationships, then you have to move like they are. That could mean, yes, swiping past your bestie’s ex-boyfriend’s profile when it comes up on Hinge, but it could also mean…forgiving your friend if they do find a connection, whether a brief spark or genuine vibe, with someone you’ve dated.

Would I be thrilled if one of my best friends sought out or actually dated someone I’d shared a significant relationship with in the past, myself? To be entirely honest, no. But part of maturing emotionally is honing your ability to sit with discomfort, and letting your real intentions—rather than your pissed-off, jealous lizard brain—guide your actions. After all, unless your breakup was very recent or particularly painful in some way (or your friend has a habit of going for people you’ve dated, which is a whole separate issue), it might actually be healing to mentally toss some of your exes into the “community property” pile, especially if you’ve moved on and found new love—as Swift has.