Can you be friends with your ex? These 10 questions can help you decide

“Taking space, however that looks for you, lets you reflect on and accept the end of your romantic relationship,” Sharoni explains. “That way, you can approach a potential friendship with a clear mind and avoid dragging unresolved feelings into your new dynamic.” Of course, you’ll have to follow your gut on this one, but a telltale way to know when you’re ready, per Sharoni, is when you view the breakup in a more neutral way. Speaking of…

3. Do you still feel hurt, resentment or nostalgia about the breakup?

“The way your past relationship ended can also be a significant factor in whether you can stay friends,” Sharoni says—regardless of how much time has passed. It’s more likely to work, for instance, if the breakup was mutual or driven by external situations (perhaps both of you wanted to focus on your careers and couldn’t commit to a serious relationship).

Suppose one of you cheated, though, or was otherwise blindsided and bitter about never getting closure. In these cases, Sharoni says it’s hard to genuinely be friends when potential emotional baggage (in the form of anger, hurt, bitterness, or heartbreak) is still weighing you down.

4. Is this decision mutual?

Maybe only one of you genuinely wants to remain pals—while the other is agreeing to avoid awkwardness. It doesn’t matter who’s in which situation, Dr. Shaw says: A friendship can’t thrive when there isn’t mutual interest and effort.

“You have to ask yourself not just, ‘What feelings do I have?’ but also, ‘What feelings might they have?’” Dr. Shaw says. Having a straightforward conversation (“I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page about keeping things strictly platonic”) can save you both from mixed signals and unrealistic expectations. “Because even if you’re fine being cordial and have zero attraction left, your former partner may not be in the same place,” she adds.

5. Do we have enough in common to be friends?

While dating, lots of things can make your bond feel special—emotional vulnerability, electrifying chemistry, even great sex. But when those affectionate elements are gone, there may not be much holding this friendship together.

“If you’re struggling to find conversation—or only revolving it around your past, then this dynamic may not be friendship material,” Dr. Shaw says—in which case, going your separate ways could be a better move. But if you have lots of shared interests and hobbies (a mutual love for playing tennis or an appreciation for A24 films), then there’s a foundation for meaningful companionship.

6. Do I have other friends, or will they be my only support?

Even if they used to be your go-to person for everything, your ex can’t keep playing that role. Otherwise, it becomes much easier to blur the lines between friendship and something more, Sharoni says—which is why it’s important to rely on more than one person for validation, emotional security and advice.