Being the unpartnered or unmarried friend among a sea of couples is a lot like being a block of Limburger on a charcuterie board of Brie, Cheddar and Manchego. Or a Chanel 22 in a closet full of Flaps and 2.55s. They’re acquired tastes that challenge the guests, most of whom have long succumbed to the marriage-as-a-default way of being an adult. And so, year after year, single and unmarried folks around the world prepare for the wedding season by practising insincere smiles that can successfully camouflage the jaw-clenching and teeth-gnashing that’s underway beneath the surface. Why? Because of all the mostly unsolicited, largely irrelevant and often violently inappropriate advice. If you’re one such out-of-control guidance giver, this year, try something radical instead: stuff a dry-fruit-filled laddoo in your mouth every time you find yourself on the verge of saying these seven things.
Consider it the first rule of modern wedding etiquette.
“I’m sure your person is just around the corner”
While often well-intentioned and meant to be hopeful, ask any single person and they’ll tell you this tedious, meaningless missive could win an award for creative futility. In reality, single women who aren’t single by choice… They have already looked. And looked, and looked. There’s a reason first-date fatigue and swiping burnout are fuelling an entire industry—dating coaches, therapists and worldwide communities commiserating on Reddit and WhatsApp. Equally problematic is the presumption that ‘partnered’ is the default ideal without considering that the recipient of your optimism might not actually be interested in coupling up.
“Have you set a date yet? What are you waiting for!?”
Let us all sit cross-legged, close our eyes, relax our shoulders and bask in the warmth of this revolutionary idea: a relationship is just as valid and solid even if the protagonists choose not to get the government involved. If you must be nosey, at least switch to, “Is marriage something you’re discussing/interested in?” Better still, do the honourable thing and mine mutual friends and close cousins for insider information and leave the happily unmarried alone. Consider it a small but significant act of wedding etiquette.
“You have no idea how lucky you are. Don’t ever get married”
Married folks who run around weddings breathlessly rhapsodising about the virtues of singledom are more uncomfortable than the wayward crystals from tight cholis clawing into the flesh of their hapless audience. Not to mention how embarrassing it is for their spouse to have to joke their way out of their partner’s yearning for the footloose and fancy free days. If you’re guilty of hurling such dire warnings at weddings, let this year be the one when you start keeping your secret desires secret.
“Let me introduce you to…”
Vaguely knowing two single people who might look good together in a photograph is not qualification enough to anoint yourself a matchmaker. Unless you have intimate knowledge of your introductees’ political leanings, values, preferences, peccadillos, eccentricities and icks, resist the urge, no matter how strong, to play cupid. The potential for things going unexpectedly awry is not worth it, especially within the fraught environs of a wedding. After all, how confident can you really be that your demure Excel-ninja colleague does not lead a double life as a monarch of the manosphere, after hours?
“Have you tried…”
The only appropriate and welcome end to a sentence that starts with these three suspicious words is: “…The baked feta in filo with a honey-tahini dressing” or something similar. Not: A beauty or fitness hack. Or this app or that matchmaker. Or an assortment of astrologers, palmists, tarot card readers, crystal ball gazers, coffee grounds or tea leaves readers. Whatever you’re convinced to be the problem, keeping your single friend single, keep the sacred knowledge and its remedy to your wise self, unless said single person specifically asks for your help.
“You need to lower your standards/compromise a little”
All this pronouncement does is make the single person at the receiving end feel a profound sense of pity for the one saying it. Most grown-up women with a healthy sense of self and strong personal boundaries already find the bar for men to be so low that it might as well be a tavern in Hades. Advising them that they need to lower it further can only send one of two messages: Either you think they’re not deserving of a well-adjusted, independently functioning, adequately therapised adult, or that your own standards are miserably low. Neither inference bodes well for the relationship, going forward.
“Any chance of and you getting back together?”
If the answer to this question is a decided ‘no’, it’s inappropriate (and odd) for you to be low-key yearning for your friend’s ex long after they’ve stopped yearning and grieving for the relationship. And if the answer is ‘yes’, you’re just reminding your friend of something they want but don’t quite have, especially during a wistful, emotionally charged time.
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