Have we been using ‘trauma bond’ all wrong? Here’s how to know if you’re actually in one

Not every toxic relationship announces itself with obvious red flags. Some are far more subtle: You’re dating a person who’s generally warm and attentive, until they suddenly give the cold shoulder when they’re upset. Someone who plans extravagant dates and shows you off…but also flirts with others or lies about small things in ways that leave you second-guessing your worth. From the outside, staying in these uneven dynamics can look like passivity or even low self-esteem. But what often keeps someone there isn’t weakness—it’s a much more complex attachment known as a trauma bond.

You may already be familiar with this trendy buzzword, most commonly used to describe bonding with someone over a shared negative experience (like surviving the same unbearable boss or being cheated on by the same jerk). But this isn’t the correct definition—a trauma bond is a term psychologists use to describe abusive relationships, and why people subconsciously stay with someone who hurts them.

More specifically, a trauma bond relationship is an intense, emotional attachment with a person who’s both your source of comfort and pain, says Sienna Chu, LMHC, licensed therapist based in New York City. That’s because, biologically, we’re wired to seek safety and support from these attachment figures—parents, friends, romantic partners—which makes things complicated when that same individual is the one subtly manipulating or dismissing us.

This dynamic, Chu says, can form a uniquely powerful relationship—one that feels deeply intimate and passionate but is also incredibly hard to break. Wondering if you’re in a trauma bond relationship? Here are the most subtle signs—plus, what it takes to start untangling yourself from it.

What are the signs of a trauma bond relationship?

1. You’re stuck in a cycle of high highs and low lows

What makes trauma bonds so complex is that the relationship isn’t manipulation and emotional chaos 24/7, says Terri Messman, PhD, professor of psychology at Miami University and co-author of Integrating Mindfulness into Psychotherapy for Trauma. It also includes heartwarming moments—affection, vulnerable conversations and passionate apologies that resemble swoon-worthy romance.

In fact, many trauma bonds usually begin with a honeymoon phase—a rush of closeness that Dr. Messman says may feel special, rare, even fated. But once there’s a negative incident—a fight, a passive-aggressive jab, an instance of micro-cheating—your brain doesn’t register these hurtful actions as red flags. Instead, it clings onto those “good” times as proof that the relationship is worth holding onto. (Remember how sweet they were last week? How sorry they seemed after the last blowup?) When really, it’s just the start of another cycle of affection followed by mistreatment.

2. You blame yourself for their bad behaviour

In a trauma bond relationship, the same person is capable of providing warmth and validation to keep you hooked—that is, only if you “earn” it by behaving the “right” way, says Elena Welsh, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and author of Trauma Survivors’ Strategies for Healing.