How to be happy for your friend, even when you’re a little jealous

Understanding that it’s counterproductive to assume you know someone’s circumstances—and then measure them against your own—will ultimately help you avoid the comparison trap, Dr. Gooden says.

Show yourself kindness with a gratitude journal or letter

We’re going to venture a guess that you’re not a certified hater who’s rooting for your pal’s downfall. More likely, their sparkly achievements are shining a light on your perceived shortcomings. That’s why Dr. Gooden says it’s crucial to focus on the positives when you feel like the flailing side character in the rom-com of their life.

If you have a hard time counting your blessings, a gratitude journal can be a great place to start. You don’t have to write a novel’s worth—simply write down five things you’re thankful for each day, Dr. Gooden suggests. “These can be small things, like a nice text from your sibling or your favourite morning beverage,” she says. “This can help you appreciate what you do have, instead of dwelling on what you don’t.”

We understand that daily journaling isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, so if you have a little time and you’re up for the challenge, you can also consider what Dr. Roberts calls a self-compassion letter. “It’s a note to yourself expressing your current feelings while also providing positive affirmations and compassion as if you were writing this advice for a friend in a similar situation,” she explains.

An example: “I know you’ve been feeling as if you’re falling behind, but just know that you’ve already accomplished so much in a short period of time, and more good things will certainly come with time.” The goal, Dr. Roberts says, is to mimic a sweet handwritten note you would write to support a loved one. That way, you can hang onto it and reread it when you need some words of kindness to lift your spirits and confidence.

Depending on the situation, be honest with your friend about your feelings

To tell or not tell your friend why you’re not 100% happy for them—that might be your question. It would be great if we had a foolproof script for handling these types of awkward conversations, but admitting you’re kind of resentful—without sounding like an evil witch—isn’t so easy.

“There are some risks to telling them about your jealousy, but what’s important is being mindful of the way we communicate what we’re going through,” Dr. Roberts says. As a general rule, it’s best to share these feelings one-on-one, since you don’t want to make the conversation any more awkward for your friend. And certainly avoid guilt-tripping them or implying you deserve their success more. In other words, don’t make it all about you.