Sorry, but you probably can’t ‘heal’ your partner’s past. Here’s why

If anything, a saviour complex could make the situation you’re trying to improve worse. According to Gutiérrez, constantly forgiving or making excuses for someone’s inconsiderate (or downright shitty) habits—even if it stems from pain—sends subtle messages like, You don’t need to take responsibility, because I’ll handle it for you. Or, I’ll always be here, no matter how you treat me.

“Eventually, this can create a codependent dynamic where you’re enabling another person’s bad behaviour and falsely believing you can control them,” Dr. Gooden says. Take a pal who struggles to keep a stable job, for instance: If you’re always offering money or sending available listings, it makes sense they might rely on you instead of shouldering the hard, inner work themselves.

That’s all without getting into how being a “fixer” can hurt your well-being, too, Dr. Gooden says. Over time, you’ll probably be exhausted and frustrated, especially when you’re giving advice that’s clearly being ignored or putting in lots of effort yet…still being treated like crap. “All that emotional investment can lead to frustration and even resentment,” she adds. That’s definitely not the kind of healthy, balanced relationship you deserve.

How to let go of the need to “save” people

It’s easy to think that understanding where someone’s hurtful actions come from means you have to accept them. Sure, my partner snaps all the time, but that’s not their fault since they grew up in that environment. Yeah, my childhood bestie constantly puts me down, but that’s only because they’re insecure—I should reassure them.

Instead of banking on the hope that this person will someday, maybe, eventually become “better” with your support, it’s more worthwhile to shift the focus back to yourself. What do you need to feel respected and valued in this relationship? You can also reflect on why this instinct is overpowering you (and a solid therapist can guide you to that answer): Maybe you’re focusing on your partner’s past to avoid addressing your own. Or you’re chasing the sweet validation that comes with doing the impossible and miraculously unlocking a struggling person’s full potential.

From there, you can decide how to draw limits, adjust your expectations or even step away if necessary. “You get to choose what kinds of behaviours you will and won’t tolerate,” Dr. Gooden says. “And setting boundaries can be an important way to communicate that.”