Think your friend’s chill? 5 signs you’ve got a competitive friend on your hands

A playful rivalry is one thing. But if you’ve got a competitive friend who’s seemingly determined to outshine you or bring you down…that sounds more like a secret hater than a companion.

Of course, not every moment of comparison or jealousy is an immediate red flag, says Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, a licensed counsellor and chair of the department of counselling and higher education at the Northern Illinois University College of Education. “Competitiveness doesn’t always come from a malicious place or a desire to ‘be better,’” Dr. Degges-White says. In certain cases, it’s rooted in personal insecurity rather than ill intentions: “It’s not so much that they want to best their bestie, but more that they’re trying to prove themselves capable.”

No matter what’s driving someone’s competitive streak, however, an exhausting game of “who’s better” has no place in a healthy friendship. Most of us are looking for a support system that lifts us up, not one that treats our wins like a personal threat. The signs of a competitive friend are often subtle, Dr. Degges-White points out, which can make it easy to second-guess whether you’re overthinking…or truly dealing with a frenemy preying on your downfall. Luckily, familiarising yourself with the red flags below can help.

They downplay your successes

You score a sick new apartment. You get accepted into that competitive program. Any truly supportive pal will be cheering for you when you’re happy, says Layne Baker, LMFT, a licensed therapist based in Los Angeles—which is why a person who consistently shrugs off your wins or never lets you have your moment may be intimidated by your good news.

Take an impressive career move, for instance: Instead of congratulating you, a scorekeeping friend might respond with, “Well, it’s just a job.” You’re finally in a healthy relationship? “It’s still early, though.” Basically, “if they’re never mirroring your excitement, or they’re downplaying something that feels like a milestone to you, that’s definitely worth paying attention to,” Baker says, since it may signal that your success makes them uncomfortable or threatened.

Their “compliments” always feel passive-aggressive or backhanded

Competitiveness doesn’t always sound as obvious as “I’m better than you.” Even if a person says they’re happy for you, they might secretly be sizing you up by wrapping their judgment in passive-aggressive “compliments.” For example: “Wow, you’re wearing that to the birthday dinner? I could never be that bold,” or “I mean, he’s really not my type physically…. But good for you.”