Wearing jorts made me feel cool for the first time ever

Some scientists claim that when you die, there are seven minutes during which you experience a supercut of the defining moments of your life. For me, I know that somewhere between my high-school graduation and the birth of my first child will be the moment I put on my first pair of jorts.

The Adam Sandler–esque silhouette took me by surprise when it transitioned from the basketball court to the runway, but who was I to question it? If Sandler can claim red carpets in basketball shorts, surely I could handle brunch in denim ones.

There I was, standing in the ugliest pair of pants I had ever worn, and I felt… so cool. Had I finally figured it out? Was the secret to being cool not a leather jacket and mullet, but an oversized pair of pants? The more I started paying attention to bottomwear, I realised it wasn’t just jorts.

Perhaps anyone who looked cool did it not despite but because of the ‘ugly pants’ they chose to don. There was something powerful about it. In deliberately choosing these garments, they weren’t simply playing the fashion game; they had created their own. And I wanted in.

Level 1: Jorts

The gateway to ugly pants. If you don’t own a pair of jorts yet, you can ease into it with some Bermuda shorts, their slightly less-cool cousin.

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Comfort: 9/10

Ease of styling: 7/10

Coolness: 5/10

Level 2: Low-rise skinny jeans

Disclaimer: If you’re above the age of 30, this may trigger some serious PTSD.

No, actually, your backside does not need to be entirely covered. Cool people take risks—whether that’s showing a little posterior or slowing down your blood circulation. Wearing them is less about comfort, more about reliving the dangerous optimism of the early 2000s.

Paris Hilton in 2003

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Jean Paul Gaultier – Blue shayne oliver edition jeans

Comfort: 4/10

Ease of styling: 8/10

Coolness: 6/10

Level 3: Capris

Fashion is all about looking like your middle-school teachers, but the cool ones. Like for English. Or History.

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Comfort: 6/10

Ease of styling: 5/10

Coolness: 7/10

Level 4: Barrel leg pants

Have you ever wanted to dress like a cartoon character? Have you ever felt like the human body needs to look more like a horseshoe? The fashion cognoscenti have heard you.