Commitment issues shouldn’t be the end of love—therapists reveal how to fix them

That’s because these milestones raise the stakes: You have less personal freedom and higher emotional (and sometimes financial) costs if things fall apart—which is why Thrall says it’s common to see people drag their feet, stall decisions or keep important parts of their lives separate (even if, deep down, they may want to take those next steps).

3. You keep looking for reasons to leave

As soon as the relationship starts to get serious, your brain might flip into “danger” mode, which is when classic self-sabotaging behaviours creep in, Jeter says. Maybe you start pulling away right when they say, “I love you,” or convince yourself that harmless quirks (the sound of their laugh, the way they dress) are suddenly red flag-worthy reasons to break up.

“I’ll especially see this with clients who have long wanted a relationship and when they finally get it, they start to panic and think, ‘Oh my gosh, I could get hurt because I really care about them,’” Jeter says. “Or, ‘I’m getting what I’ve asked for, but I didn’t consider the risk of how much it will hurt to lose this person.’” Essentially, the unspoken logic here becomes, If I push them away first, they can’t blindside me later.

4. You fixate on “what ifs” instead of enjoying what is

Even in the happiest, healthiest, most secure relationships, it’s common for commitment issues to spark a relentless loop of doubt: Things are going well now…but what if there’s someone better out there? What if I’m settling? Instead of embracing the connection right in front of you, your mind fixates on imagined scenarios, Jeter says—comparing your partner to strangers or exes, say, or daydreaming about how your life might be different with someone else.

Subconsciously, this pattern often arises as a way to prevent yourself from putting all your eggs in one basket: If you’re always half-looking for the exit, you never have to face the raw vulnerability (and heartbreak) that comes with truly investing in one person. The problem, though, is that what feels like self-protection often ends up blocking you from the very intimacy and closeness you’ve already built.

How to overcome commitment issues

1. First, get clear on what you’re really scared of

There’s a difference between struggling to make it official with anyone versus not wanting to with this particular person. So one way to tell the difference, Jeter says, is by digging deeper into what’s triggering your fears. Is it more generalised anxiety about being cheated on, say, or losing your sense of self? Or is it specific to your partner—mismatched life goals, perhaps unpredictable behaviours that make you question their motives? (The first points to broader commitment issues—which you can work on with the help of the tips below; the second could mean this connection simply isn’t the right fit.)