How to stop holding grudges that have been living rent-free in your head

For those moments out of your control, both experts recommend having a game plan to redirect your energy, ideally into something that soothes and distracts you. “Physical activities like exercising or cleaning can burn off the adrenaline that fuels your anger,” says Alicia Hodge, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Washington, DC, and adjunct professor at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Creative outlets like drawing, crafting or writing can also be “a constructive way to process your emotions.”

The key, Dr. Hodge says, is to find a hobby that requires you to use your mind and body. By the time you’re done, you’ll hopefully have interrupted the resentment spiral instead of staying stuck in it.

3. Write a closure letter (but don’t send it)

One of the best ways to get all-consuming anger, disappointment and bitterness out of your head, according to both experts, is by transferring them onto paper. “Writing your true thoughts and feelings, as if you were speaking to the person, can surprisingly bring clarity,” Dr. Hodge says. It’s your chance to express everything you’ve been holding in—without the stress of an actual, IRL confrontation. (Which is why it’s not a smart idea to send the letter unless you’re prepared for drama.)

Some helpful prompts to jump-start your jotting process: What am I truly upset about? What do I wish happened instead? If I could talk to this person one last time, what do I want them to know? Articulating the issue not only helps release pent-up emotions, but ideally, it should also give you some closure to decide whether holding onto a grudge is actually serving you.

4. Or, depending on your situation, have an honest conversation

This isn’t always possible or ideal, but it’s an option worth considering with people you want to maintain (or rekindle) a relationship with—like a family member you believe has good intentions or an ex-friend you outgrew but still care about.

Sometimes, people aren’t aware of the impact their actions had on you, Bayramyan points out, which is why, in some cases, letting them know can provide “closure” to end your grudge. For example, try expressing your thoughts with “I” statements: “To be honest, I was hurt when you didn’t invite me to that trip.” They might offer an explanation, an apology or at least an acknowledgement of your pain.